The
jokes below have been emailed to us by you and are intended to be fun. Please do not read
if you are easily offended. To submit
a joke please complete the form at the bottom of this page. |
|
Subject:Prayers
always get answered.
Here's a good dose of Catholicism to start the day!
A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing".
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, Hi,
we're prostitutes. D'ya wanna have some fun. "That's terrible!!" exclaimed the
priest, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to
my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I taught to pray and read the
bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will
learn to praise and worship instead.""Thank you!" the woman responded. The
next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots
were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.The lady put her female parrots in
with the male parrots and the females immediately said "Hi, we're prostitutes. D'ya
wanna have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims
"Put the f***ing beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
Camy - THE DALE SCOTLAND |
|
Whats
the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer doesn't laugh at a 3 and a half inch floppy
Dan Mathieson - Cornwall |
|
What
do you call a woman who sets fire two her bills? Bernadette!!!
Mike - Bicester |
|
A
monkey walks into the bar, barman says " I cant serve you, your out of your
tree"
A wig walks in barman says " cant serve you, your off your head"
CAR - Cornwall |
|
Bill
died and went to heaven where he was met by an angel who led him to a large warehouse.
Each wall was lined with thousands of clocks. "Each clock represents a persons
lifetime," said the angel, at which point the hands of one of the clocks spun around
furiously, taking an hour off the time. "What was that?" asked Bill. The angel
explained each time someone acted like a w**ker, an hour was taken off their life. The
pair carried on walking, then Bill asked if he could see the clock belonging to famous pop
star Peter Andre. "Oh yes," said the angel "but you'll have to come into
the office to have a look. We've been using it as a fan during this hot spell."
May - Southampton |
|
Why
has Michael Barrymore not got any ashtrays? Because he puts his fags out in the pool
Paul |
|
NEWSPAPER
HEADLINE.
Thieves rob toilet and 2 dogs from local police station, a spokes person for the police
said they have no leads and nothing to go on.
BIG G - Stoke |
|
What's
big, green and can't fly?
A field
Sarah - Liverpool |
|
What's
the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?
One's white, plastic and a danger to children, and the other carries your groceries.
Ron Bacardi - Maidenhead |
|
As
from may 2001 viagra will only be available through chemists under it's chemical
name. Please ask for MYCOXAFLOPPIN.
Paul Eyre - Southampton |
|
A
blonde girl walks into her local library and says to the clerk "Burger and large
fries please". The clerk says "Excuse me young lady but this is a library!"
So she leans over the counter and whispers "Sorry I'll have a burger and large fries
please"
Kirky - St Austell |
|
A
bloke walks into the bar with a lump of tar on his head he asks the barman for a pint and
one for the road.
Fiona - Croydon |
|
Two
dollops of sick were walking down the street, they turned the corner into the next street
and one of the sick dollops starts crying. "What's up with you?" says the other
sick dollop and the one crying says " I always get sentimental when I walk up this
street it's where I was brought up"
Geordiebal - Toonie |
|
A
Grasshopper sits down at the bar and the bartender comes over and says "Hay we got a
drink named after you in here." The grasshopper says "Great I'll have a Steve
then."
Leo VanWinkle - Ohio |
|
There
are these two old ladies sitting on a bench together and they are both smoking cigarettes.
One of the old ladies takes out a condom and puts it on her cigarette. The other old lady
asks her why the hell she did that. The old lady says that it's supposed to be a safer way
to smoke. So then the next day the other old lady goes to a drug store and asks the clerk
for a condom. The clerk then asks her what colour and she says it doesn't matter. Then the
clerk asks her what size condom and she says, "One to fit a camel.
Graham - Milton Keynes |
|
A
man walks into a bar with a flamingo under one arm and a cat under the other. He
goes up to the bar and orders a beer then he asks the flamingo what it wants, the flamingo
says "a beer" then he asks the cat what it wants and the cat says "a beer,
but I'm not paying for it". They all go off and drink their drinks, 10 minutes
later they are all back at the bar, the same happens again. The man orders a beer, the
flamingo orders a beer and the cat orders a beer but again says "I'm not paying for
it".
Anyway this happens a few more times the same way. By now the bar tender's getting curious
so he asks the man what's going on. The man replies "Well I found this old lamp
so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared, it granted one wish so I asked for a tall bird
with a tight pussy.
Jamie Webber - Oxford |
|
A
drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says
nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says
nothing.The priest knocks on the wall 3 times in a final attempt to get the man to
speak.Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no bog roll in this
one either".
Stewart - North Sea |
|
A
man is flying to New York. He says to the guy next to him, I've got a great policeman
joke. Wanna hear it?` The guy replies, `I should let you know first that I am a
policeman.` That's OK,` he says. I'll tell it really slow!`
Adam Wright - Swansea |
|
A
man goes to the doctors and asks for three viagra tablets. the doctors asks "why do
you want three" the man replies "well I have a girl coming round Friday another
Saturday and another Sunday" the doctor gives him the tablets and tells the man to
come back for a check up on Monday
the man comes back Monday with his arm in a sling. the doctor asks "why is your arm
in a sling the man replies "none of the girls turned up.
Benjo - Tarn
|
|
A
priest was walking down the road and saw two boy,s playing with a car battery the priest
said thats dangerous. one of the boy,s said no holy water is dangerous and you play with
that.don t be silly. I put some holy water on a woman's belly and she passed a baby. the
little boy said yeah and I put some car battery acid on my dogs tail and it passed a
Ferrari
Angel - Weymouth |
|
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices
something about the wellies the Irish guy's wearing. She says to him "Scuse me mate,
I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why does one of your wellies have an L on it and the
uva one's got an R on it ?" So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness
and replies "Well, oim a bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot
and the one with the L is for me left foot". "Cor blimey!", exclaims the
Essex girl, "So that's why me knickers 'ave got
C & A on them".
Stewart - North Sea |
|
They
got crisps named after different footballers: There's
Salt'n Lineker;Cheese and Owen;Smoky Beckham;and they just brought a new one after Peter
Beardsley called "Monster Munch"Simon - Birmingham |
|
There
were 2 men in town last night one had battery acid in his mouth, and the other had a
firework in his mouth. The police picked them up and took them to the police
station, one got let off,
and the other got chargedLeigh
Barker - Carlisle |
|
A
guy walks into a bar and orders a pint, the barman notices that
he has a steering wheel down his trousers, perplexed at the
situation, the barman asks the man, 'why have u got a steering wheel down your
trousers mate?' the guy replies, 'dunno mate,
its driving me nuts!'Suze
- Andover |
|
| There's
a man watching TV when there's a knock at the door. He answers it only to be
confronted by a 6 ft cockroach who punches him in the face and walks off. The next
night, the same thing happens, only this time the cockroach punches him in the
stomach. This goes on for the rest of the week, until battered and bruised, the man
goes to the doctor and tells him all about it. The doctor says "Oh, that
alright, it's just a nasty bug going around!!" Sal - Bristol |
|
What
does a cannibal do after he's dumped his girlfriend?
-Wipe his bum!!Eddie -
Fordingbridge |
|
A
man walks into a bar and see's a dog in the corner licking its bum so the man says to the
barman I wish I could do that so the barman says if you give him a biscuit he might let
you!!!
Pat - Scotland |
|
A
man walks into a bar and he sees that the roof is racked with joints of meat. He walks
over to the bar tender and asks him why they are there. The bar man replies
"if you can jump up and grab some meat with you teeth you get £200 but if you don't
you have to give me £200, do you want a try?" he asks, the man replies "no, the
steaks are too high"!!
Ben H & Adam F - Mirfield |
|
Following
a night out with a few friends,
a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors where rather perplexed by
the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the speaking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an
ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For gods sake, you sod, it's twenty to two
in the bloody morning!!"Stephen
Hay - Hertfordshire |
|
A cheese sandwich goes into a pub and asks for a pint of larger. The
barman replies, sorry we don't serve food in here
Louise shepherd |
|
What
do you do if a Pikachu's eyes fall off?
Poke 'em on.K - Unkown |
|
One
summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The big sissy."
Jason |
|
A
drunk goes in to the doctor and says he feels ill.
The doctor checks him over and says "Well I cant find anything
wrong with you it must be the drink" and the drunk replies
"OK I'll come back when you are sober"
Baz - Newcastle |
|
A
new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
The personnel manager explains her duties and tells her to report
to work promptly at 8:00AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel
manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this
new employee.
He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory
floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both
watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says,
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test
tickles."Clare Watson |
|
Whats
got 90 balls and screws all the women? Bingo
Jamie Wright |
|
What
do women & dog turds have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.Chris - Bishops Stortford |
|
What
do you call a sceptic cat?
Puss!!
Craig - Bedfordshire |
|
Why
did the washing machine keep laughing?
Because it took the pee out of the knickers.
Sonia - Gillingham Kent |
|
Have you heard about the new Viagra eye drops? They don't do anything for
your sex life, but they do make you look hard!
Krish - Accrington |
|
Why
did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Because he wanted Tequila!!!!Gill
- Durham |
|
Whats
green and wobbly and hangs from trees?
Girraffe snot!!Helen -
Essex |
|
Whats
the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the praire, the other prowls on the hairy!Helen Creegan - Unknown |
|
A
man walks down the street shouting 'Sage, Parsley, Thyme' -
so the police did him for 'Herbal Abuse'Dawn - Co.Durham |
|
A
bloke goes into the doctor's. "Doctor every time I walk my leg keeps saying giz
a fiver.
The doctor was baffled so called in an expert.
The other doctor ask the man to walk across the room.
The mans leg kept saying "giz a fiver, giz a fiver.
The expert said "I know your problem your legs broke".Pauline - Jarrow |
|
I
was walking home from the pub last night,
when I saw a man by someone's gates.
But I didn't want to say anything in case he took a fence!!Gill Alan - England |
|
How
can you tell if a pig is horny?
She buys the first round.Paul
Arnold - Hunterdon |
|
What
do you call a deer with no eyes?
I-have-no-eye-deer.Daniel
Rogers - England |
|
Man
(slightly drunk) walks into a bar with an alligator.
Says to barman "Do you serve Bradford City supporters in here?" Barman says
"Of course, we serve anyone in here."
Man says "OK, a pint for me and a Bradford City
supporter for him."J R
Palmer - Derbyshire |
|
| Two
drunks out of their box walking down the road, one says is that the moon up there? the
second drunk says I dont know I dont live round here. Micky - Nottingham |
|
A
man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer,he hears a voice say "hmm you are
really nice,
I think you are going to score tonight!".
The man looked around but there was no one about.
The only thing he could see was a bowl of peanuts on the bar.
The guy went to sit down at a table near the cigarette machine,
then he heard another voice saying "
Hey get out of here,you scumbag!"
Again there was no one around.
Puzzled at this,he asked the barman what had happened.
The barman explained,
"Oh yes,the first voice was the peanuts,
they are complimentary.and the second voice?
Well thats just the cigarette machine, its Out of Order!!Spike - Derby |
|
"Doctor,
I'm really worried about my brother,
he truly and sincerely believes he is an orange!"
"That sounds serious" said the Dr
"I better see your brother, where is he?"
"... in my pocket!"Alistair
- Bristol |
|
| Top of page |
